By Larry O. Dean
I am not a heartburn sufferer.
I do not stay at La Quinta®.
My name is not Flo. I am
not a talking lizard, concerned doctor,
alcoholic attorney, proud parent,
or umpire with low testosterone.
I haven’t fallen, and I can get up.
I am not having a torrid affair
with DA Jessica’s daughter
while helping her cover up
the cliffhanger murder-for-hire
of her former husband, a cruel astronaut.
Do not assume I can rappel down
skyscrapers, outrun fireballs, parkour
eel-like through open windows, squeeze off
round after round of assault weapon fire
while sliding on my knees across
I am not now nor have I ever been
the kooky sidekick. If you punch me,
I will cry. Underneath all this CGI,
I have two-pack abs. I never once saved
the city from any colorful villains.
I am not the roguish bachelor with a tastefully
decorated Toronto penthouse (standing
in for Manhattan) and you
are not the unbelievably unattached
twentysomething reporter I will meet
cute at the DMV; hilarious hijinks ensue
because we both coincidentally share
the same name! Bumping heads!
At the counter! A wisecracking Paul Giamatti
as Clark the clerk stifles a dour smirk,
sipping product-placement Starbucks®
while we don’t playfully banter
for the thirty-fifth consecutive take.
Larry O. Dean was born and raised in Flint, Michigan. His numerous books include Brief Nudity (2013), Basic Cable Couplets (2012), abbrev (2011), About the Author (2011), and I Am Spam (2004). He is also an acclaimed singer-songwriter whose latest solo album is Good Grief (2015). The sophomore album from his band, The Injured Parties, is forthcoming in 2016. For more info, visit his website at larryodean.com.