Actor Portrayal

By Larry O. Dean

I am not a heartburn sufferer.
I do not stay at La Quinta®.
My name is not Flo. I am
not a talking lizard, concerned doctor,
alcoholic attorney, proud parent,
or umpire with low testosterone.
I haven’t fallen, and I can get up.
I am not having a torrid affair
with DA Jessica’s daughter
while helping her cover up
the cliffhanger murder-for-hire
of her former husband, a cruel astronaut.
Do not assume I can rappel down
skyscrapers, outrun fireballs, parkour
eel-like through open windows, squeeze off
round after round of assault weapon fire
while sliding on my knees across
rain-slicked pavement.
I am not now nor have I ever been
the kooky sidekick. If you punch me,
I will cry. Underneath all this CGI,
I have two-pack abs. I never once saved
the city from any colorful villains.
I am not the roguish bachelor with a tastefully
decorated Toronto penthouse (standing
in for Manhattan) and you
are not the unbelievably unattached
twentysomething reporter I will meet
cute at the DMV; hilarious hijinks ensue
because we both coincidentally share
the same name! Bumping heads!
At the counter! A wisecracking Paul Giamatti
as Clark the clerk stifles a dour smirk,
sipping product-placement Starbucks®
while we don’t playfully banter
for the thirty-fifth consecutive take.

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Larry O. Dean was born and raised in Flint, Michigan. His numerous books include Brief Nudity (2013), Basic Cable Couplets (2012), abbrev (2011), About the Author (2011), and I Am Spam (2004). He is also an acclaimed singer-songwriter whose latest solo album is Good Grief (2015). The sophomore album from his band, The Injured Parties, is forthcoming in 2016. For more info, visit his website at larryodean.com.

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